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Many of these over first appeared on the Facebook page. I’m showing the whole list here (a) for posterity, and (b) because it is easier to pick caramel-covered broccoli out of braces than find anything on FB.
The idea here is to make resolutions early, and to make ones that I can and will actually keep.
Therefore, I hereby resolve in 2017 to:
- Use more sweepingly dismissive generalizations. Some of you will say these are harmful. I say, that’s typical of you people. I think I’m off to a good start.
- Snack more. I am so on this.
- Increase the time I spend randomly breaking into song while simultaneously forgetting more song lyrics.
- Say more things I instantly regret. See also: type things I instantly regret; not say things I instantly regret; etc.
- Make more half-hearted attempts at making new friends. Addendum: “half-witted” attempts count double.
- Panic in pressure situations. Because “fight” and “flight” may be popular options, but “fall apart” seems to work for me.
- Be puzzled more often. About everything.
- Find new ways to get people to hate me. Truthfully, I never seem to run out.
- Misread more cues. Be more socially awkward. Hey, I’m getting really good at this.
- Dance like nobody’s watching, but only *when* nobody’s watching.
- Spend half of my time at work wondering why anyone would hire me for any job, and the other half wondering why I don’t get a raise.
- Think of more witty and crushing retorts to arguments I had three years ago.
- Mope around more about how unattractive age has made me. On my way to the snack machine. To supplement this, I will also pay for a gym membership I don’t use.
- Change my blog layout, even though 98.317% of people who see its contents use the reader and have no idea what the blog even looks like.
- Make up more statistics, employing deceivingly precise figures like “98.317%”.
- Dole out more advice on raising children, even though my own grown children’s lives would tend to indicate I taught them little of value, nor, at times, that were actually “raised” at all.
- Believe anything I read that confirms my prejudices, especially about how people with opposing viewpoints will believe anything they read that confirms theirs.
- Get more angry when I’m behind people at drive-thru windows who are ordering for 30 people. See also: get more impatient when I’m behind people who want to have leisurely conversations with people working at checkout lines.
- Realize more often that nothing proves the essential absurdity of this life more than lines painted on the ground in parking lots, as these are universally both present and ignored.
- Make more inane and misspelled comments on other people’s WordPress posts, only to remember one second after that there is no editing those suckers.
- Master a new skill. Maybe something like carrying on a coherent, meaningful conversation.
- Spend most of my time in social situations wishing I was alone; spend most of my free alone time writing; and spend most of my writing time dwelling on social situations I couldn’t get away from fast enough.
- Marvel equally at how beautiful all my female friends are, and how almost none of them seem to know it.
- Unintentionally hurt more people who are close to me. This one’s going to happen, so I might as well include it.
- Try to live a better life, but end up this time next year realizing I need to do better still. Repeat, ad moralitem.