25 Early New Year’s Resolutions I Can Actually Keep

A man sat down to write a list post. You won’t believe what happened next.

[Note: the clickbait excerpt above has NOT BEEN APPROVED by the American Clickbait Association, and is intended for home use only. Please use responsibly.]


Many of these over first appeared on the Facebook page. I’m showing the whole list here (a) for posterity, and (b) because it is easier to pick caramel-covered broccoli out of braces than find anything on FB.

The idea here is to make resolutions early, and to make ones that I can and will actually keep.

Therefore, I hereby resolve in 2017 to:

  1. Use more sweepingly dismissive generalizations. Some of you will say these are harmful. I say, that’s typical of you people. I think I’m off to a good start.
  2. Snack more. I am so on this.
  3. Increase the time I spend randomly breaking into song while simultaneously forgetting more song lyrics.
  4. Say more things I instantly regret. See also: type things I instantly regret; not say things I instantly regret; etc.
  5. Make more half-hearted attempts at making new friends. Addendum: “half-witted” attempts count double.
  6. Panic in pressure situations. Because “fight” and “flight” may be popular options, but “fall apart” seems to work for me.
  7. Be puzzled more often. About everything.
  8. Find new ways to get people to hate me. Truthfully, I never seem to run out.
  9. Misread more cues. Be more socially awkward. Hey, I’m getting really good at this.
  10. Dance like nobody’s watching, but only *when* nobody’s watching.
  11. Spend half of my time at work wondering why anyone would hire me for any job, and the other half wondering why I don’t get a raise.
  12. Think of more witty and crushing retorts to arguments I had three years ago.
  13. Mope around more about how unattractive age has made me. On my way to the snack machine. To supplement this, I will also pay for a gym membership I don’t use.
  14. Change my blog layout, even though 98.317% of people who see its contents use the reader and have no idea what the blog even looks like.
  15. Make up more statistics, employing deceivingly precise figures like “98.317%”.
  16. Dole out more advice on raising children, even though my own grown children’s lives would tend to indicate I taught them little of value, nor, at times, that were actually “raised” at all.
  17. Believe anything I read that confirms my prejudices, especially about how people with opposing viewpoints will believe anything they read that confirms theirs.
  18. Get more angry when I’m behind people at drive-thru windows who are ordering for 30 people. See also: get more impatient when I’m behind people who want to have leisurely conversations with people working at checkout lines.
  19. Realize more often that nothing proves the essential absurdity of this life more than lines painted on the ground in parking lots, as these are universally both present and ignored.
  20. Make more inane and misspelled comments on other people’s WordPress posts, only to remember one second after that there is no editing those suckers.
  21. Master a new skill. Maybe something like carrying on a coherent, meaningful conversation.
  22. Spend most of my time in social situations wishing I was alone; spend most of my free alone time writing; and spend most of my writing time dwelling on social situations I couldn’t get away from fast enough.
  23. Marvel equally at how beautiful all my female friends are, and how almost none of them seem to know it.
  24. Unintentionally hurt more people who are close to me. This one’s going to happen, so I might as well include it.
  25. Try to live a better life, but end up this time next year realizing I need to do better still. Repeat, ad moralitem.

 

Author: Sibelius Russell

Sibelius Russell (a/k/a/ Owen "Beleaguered" Servant) lives a life of whimsical servitude -- whatever that means.

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